Disorders take on many forms…
Many are hidden from sight…
Many are right in our face but we hide them…
Many are taking over your soul and you’re so far in you don’t even know how to turn around…
Some may not realize what they have is an eating disorder like I did, so I want to share what mine looked like.
For me, it simply started out with working out and eating more fruits. That’s great right? It was until it crossed a line. Simply losing 1 pound in a couple weeks turned into me dropping 50 pounds in a few short months.
I was so exhausted. I was spent mentally from counting calories AND physically from working out and not giving my body any nutrition. I was burning my candle on both ends.
I allowed myself only 500 calories a day; even counting the 5 calories in chewing gum and 25 calories in Sweet Tarts. If I couldn’t count it I wouldn’t eat it. Instead, I would look up a meal online similar and add an extra 100 calories to it. I wanted to make sure I didn’t go over (of course under was okay).
If I wanted a taste of food I would chew it and spit it back out. I know this might be gross to say (sorry) but this is a raw blog. It’s a real account and meant for those who needs honesty. I was chasing the idol of calorie counting and I didn’t even realize it.**
I Love Jesus so so much. But I had an idol that I rationalized simply as “passion.” I think many of us have idols that we write it off as passion… Here is the difference though:
An Idol becomes your everything, a passion is an everything given back to God.
My idol was this unmarked goal that kept me running towards something that was never there. The idol of being “okay” with myself. The illusion of control, an image that was never what I saw in the mirror.
I had a long journey of heart and head work. It is not something that happens overnight but it is worth it. It is a journey that gets me to slowly add health foods back into my diet. Slowly introducing myself to some of my favorite guilty pleasures again, but in moderation. I put away counting calories over time. I forced myself NOT to count.
I started working out because I enjoyed it and it relieved anxiety, not because I was chasing an image. I would eat foods higher in calories that I dared not touch before even though they were good calories. I was over empty calories. I started my search for foods to fuel my body. I discovered my love for avocado, bananas, peanut butter and many other simple foods.
Later, as I got more adventurous, I got into the foods that you have to look up to figure out what they are haha! 🙂
I just had to start small and start somewhere.
Here is the bottom line:
It doesn’t happen overnight but it’s worth it.
You can enjoy life and food. Your passions can stay at just that, a passion, not an idol. Any Goal worth going after will take work. Whether you are trying to overcome a disorder or you are simply going after any personal goal, it will take time and work.
But I’m here to tell you…
Simple as that.
Hebrews 12:1-3 The Message (MSG)
Discipline in a Long-Distance Race
12: 1-3 “Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!”
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**When you are malnourished for a long period of time it has a cascading effect on your body. These effects I will talk about more in future blogs.